Pick on Someone Your Own Size in 31 Years!

Now They are going after the babies! What’s wrong with fat babies? Fat babies are cute. Fat babies look a little happier and healthier than skinny babies. I mean there’s only so much space for the food to go in a little body. It’s not like they can do 30 minutes of cardio. Just because a baby is fat doesn’t mean it will grow up to become an obese adult. I just know a baby diet is coming. . . Similac-Lite, Fat-free Gerber. Dexatrim Toddler. I’m taking a stand for fat babies everwhere (okay, maybe not the 200 lb toddler that was on Maury, but that’s bad parenting, so I guess I will take a stand for him too).

I’m really tired of Them and They. Just a couple of weeks ago, They had me all paranoid about being a lefty. It seems that all those years of being special (doing ‘it’ better, being in company with Jimmy Hendrix, having special desks, being right-brained, getting ink all over your hand as you write) are coming back to bite us lefty females in the ass because we’re more likely to develop breast cancer. This probably means that I’ll never get to see a Leftorium built in my lifetime. Of course They don’t tell you until close to the end of the article that They are still researching whether or not the two are correlated and that you shouldn’t be concerned. WHAT? Then why not tell me after you’ve concluded your research. I think They need to get their shit together before publishing vague, preliminary findings. Or, maybe They should consider Their audience--anyone with access to Yahoo who is just waking up to check her e-mail in her PJs and thinks it’s a glorious day until she finds that she’s GOING TO DIE--and break the news gently, maybe starting with part about not being concerned closer to the beginning of the article. Fuckers. I wonder if this could qualify me for that new Amy Grant show:

Me: Amy, it’s such a pleasure to meet you. I have all your albums. My Christian Youth Group used to think that your cross-over music was blasphemous, but I stood by you. “Baby Baby” has had a lasting impact on my life.

Amy: Um, great. [Gives concerned look to producer that says, “what the fick (she’s Christian, ya’ll) have you gotten me into now?”] Tell me about your illness…

Me: Well, it seems that I am going to die because I’m left-handed. (Not really a lie, I mean, I am going to die one day, we are all going to die one day…my death could be left-hand related. Yes, I’m going to Hell.)

I wouldn’t do that. I know there are people who are really suffering and this is in no way meant to belittle or make fun of that. That said, the other day, “R” informed me that They make radioactive pellets for prostate cancer patients. The pellets are inserted into the prostate and can just shoot out at inopportune moments, and, if they do, they have to be saved because they can’t be disposed of because they are RADIOACTIVE. Patients have to pee through a strainer. I’m not making this up, but "R" knows that I'm gullible, so he could've made it up.

Men, please make sure to “release” at least 3 times per week. Let’s all be healthy. I’m going to get the reduced-fat Cheez-Its from now on and really commit to social smoking. (Don’t tell my mom.)